It’s horrible.
When you suddenly realise you don’t have a clue what’s happening and you’re at your wits end.
For the last two or three years I’ve known exactly what I’ve wanted to do, how I’m going to get there, and what the end result should be. Now, however, I’m at this place where I’ve started my long term plan and everything’s falling to pieces. I was so unhappy at school and I couldn’t wait to get to university to meet new people and start over, but history just appears to be repeating itself and now I’m stuck in this rut where I don’t want to do anything barr sit here. Literally nothing. People who I thought were my closest friends are starting to drift away from me again, and I think I now realise that others were never the problem, it was always me. It was always my overpowering nature, my over-emotional tendencies and the fact that I need people to like me. It’s an obsession, and yes it’s “needy” but that’s just who I am.
I surround myself with acquaintances to keep up a facade of being liked. I just always try to be a good person, I always put others before myself and it never works. I make friends easily, but I can never keep them when they get to know the real me. Some people say all this is because I left school early, that I haven’t matured enough, but inside I know I have. I can cope on my own, I can do things on my own, that’s not what the problem is. I like having friends, people around me, and people who I can trust. I’m independent, but I get lonely.
The only reason I’m posting this on tumblr is that I know nobody will read it. TL;DR etc. There’s so much I need to get off my chest and this is the best way I know how, because no one will actually see it. No one will read about this emptiness I feel, about the times I don’t feel like doing anything but crying, and about the friends who turned out to be just as petty as the people I tried to get away from. There’s only one part of my life that makes me smile at the moment, and even then it reminds me so much of what’s currently leaving me that I can’t push away that sick feeling in my throat.
If I could rewind back 3 months I would. Just to change things. To stop being so forceful with my emotions towards my friends. Not smother them with my presence and most of all, make some better decisions. There are some parts I’d never take back, but I have so many regrets that eat away at me and make me feel like this.
It’ll eventually pass, but right now I just want to be away from everything. And on the off chance that someone actually read this, please don’t worry about me. And ignore all my stupid, crazy thoughts.
